The Keys That Weigh Us Down
Photo by Amanda Bacque 2007 Amboise, France
Somewhere, right now, someone is about to ask you where the scissors are.
Or when the dentist appointment is. Or whether you remembered to RSVP. Even on vacation, the questions find you, because you are the one who holds the keys.
In a little chateau in France’s Loire Valley, my room key hung from a heavy brass fob, the kind designed to be impossible to lose. I carried that key into town every day. Through the market, into the café, along the river. It weighed my poor little crossbody purse down the whole trip, and I never once forgot it was there.
Most of the keys women carry are not that easy to see. The family calendar, the work calendar, and the one running in our heads. The meal plan. Where the packing tape is. The birthdays we are expected to remember that others forget, with the card already signed. Somehow, we became the keeper of everyone’s keys, and everyone else got very comfortable letting us hold them.
Question: Which keys are you still carrying into every trip?
Signs You Are Still Holding the Keys
Do any of these feel familiar?
You start your vacation already exhausted from getting ready to leave.
Your coverage plan quietly depends on you staying reachable.
“Call me if anything comes up” feels like the responsible thing to say.
You feel a pang of guilt when someone else has to cover for you.
Someone’s little dig, “must be nice,” follows you all the way to the airport.
Women & PTO: The Weight of Being Covered
The people around us have noticed we hold the keys. It is often easier to ask us than to check the calendar. “When is that again?” “Can you remind me?” Or they simply assume we will remember for them, because we always have.
In the book Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski describe this as Human Giver Syndrome, the expectation that women give their time, attention, and care to everyone around them. It shows up in the invisible labor so many women carry: the caregiving, the household, the mental load of remembering everything for everyone. It follows us to work, and it follows us on vacation.
Key Findings
54% of managers take less time off than they are offered. For non-managers, it is 42%.
60% of senior-level women report frequent burnout, more than their male peers.
48% of women leave PTO unused because they feel badly about co-workers covering for them. For men, it is 39%.
Read that again. The women holding the most keys are the least likely to set them down.
Let’s face it, in many workplaces what people say and what they reward are not the same. So that guilty gut feeling about taking time to care for yourself through travel is real. But it is NOT a personal failing. It is a pattern many of us were handed, in workplaces that reward constant availability and a culture that expects women to keep everything running smoothly.
The good news is that a pattern can be interrupted. Handing off well is one of the kindest things you can do, for yourself and for the person covering for you.
A leader who never steps away does not protect her team. She teaches them that rest is risky. A leader who hands off well shows her team that time away is safe and that she trusts them while she is gone.
Taking care of yourself is not stepping away from leadership. It is part of it.
Ways to Notify Proactively
The N in my KNOW Departure framework stands for Notify Proactively. It is the difference between leaving and truly being away.
Start the handoff early. Draft it days before you leave, not minutes. Send it before you close your laptop on your last day, with time for questions.
Name your point person and define an emergency. Who covers what, and what truly warrants a call. Everything else can wait.
Tell people before they discover you are gone. Your leader, your team, and anyone who manages your calendar. Nobody should learn about your vacation from an auto-reply.
Hand off at home too. The pharmacy refill, the pet’s feeding schedule, the neighbor who rolls the garbage cans out and back, the mail on hold. The people at home are capable of holding a few keys.
Postcard Confession: Not All Was Quiet
Postcard Confession image by Know Distance
It was a girls’ night in instead of a girls’ night out. My sister, our best friend (our sister from another mother), and I were lounging on her deck in Charleston. Flames danced across blue glass rocks in the fire pit, and our colorful wigs sparkled in the glow.
I had come to support my friend, and my boss knew this was not ordinary time off. So when my phone rang and I saw his name, I knew it must be serious. He never calls. He is great at covering.
I stepped inside to take the call. A new system had gone live three days before I left, and unexpected notifications were flooding in. Guess not all was quiet on the Western Front of Texas. My handoff had been a quick email sent as I walked out the door.
Ten minutes later, we had a plan, and I made it back to the deck in time for the last of the sunset. The night ended with laughter, our traveling gnomes, and a photo of three women in wigs I will treasure forever.
My quick handoff might not have prevented that call. But now I send my handoffs before I close my laptop, not on my way out the door.
Just glad my boss didn’t FaceTime me. He would have been talking to a woman in a short blue wig.
Watch me tell this one on YouTube, blue wig and all: https://youtube.com/shorts/QNnFB1ktCKQ
Awe Intention
On your next trip, notice the moment something feels lighter.
Your phone once the work notifications stop tempting you to sneak a peek.
Your shoulders once the out-of-office is on.
Your mind when no one needs an answer from you.
Let your body register that lightness before your mind finds something new to carry.
What is one key you are ready to hand off before your next trip? Share it in the comments. Your answer might help someone else set down theirs.
Resources for Your Next Departure
The free Girls Just Want PTO guide helps you request time off with confidence and a coverage plan: https://knowdistanceco.myflodesk.com/ptoguide
The free OOO Guide helps your out-of-office message do more of the work for you: https://knowdistanceco.myflodesk.com/ooo
If you would like guides like these, event invitations, and special offers in your inbox, join the Know Distance list: https://knowdistanceco.myflodesk.com/join
Travel does not restore you because of where you go. It restores you because of what you bring to it and what you allow yourself to receive.
Au revoir, y’all!
Amanda
